dani (blondn3ss) wrote,

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i think im going fucking crazy...


latley i've been feeling so detached from everyone. And i feel like im starting to become who i was a year ago.. im starting to hide the fact that im getting depressed, or trying to ignore it, like i used to. i fucking hate my home. all my mom does now is give me shit with the "your a failure" tone. My grandparents who fucking raised me and that i trusted soo much have totally turned their back on me and are agreeing with my mother on everything. it isnt fucking fair, if i fight back with my mom or say something "wrong", i get put on blast becuase shes working her program and shes clean and sober and shes going through a hard time.. it must be so fucking hard to live a normal life!!! I have turned into the parent of my younger brother and sister while she goes out every night playing darts, and going to meetings or whatever the fuck she does. i feel totally negelected by the people who are supposed to support me, my family.. ha! i dont have a place in my family anymore... and my friends i love them, but like i said before.. i feel detached. im trying to hold on and pretend like nothings wrong and everythings fine.. when i guess its not.. and geoff has been very busy lately and im cool with that.. im just jealous that he has something to do..that he has a hobby.. that he dosent have to stay in every fucking night and watch little kids.. i mean yeah it probably sounds stupid but its like fuck my mom hasnt been in my life for 15 years.. and she could at least be home every now and then...i still harbor this hate for her. i cant forgive her for what she did to me.. and what she obviously is still doing to me. fuck i wish i knew what was wrong with me. and yeah i guess i am a failure.. i mean im almost failing every class.. i dont fucking care.. and i should care.. and what fucking scares me the most is that i want to drink right now. im gonna end up being a fucking alcoholic like my mom.. my worst fear is gonna come true.. im become my mother... and if that ever happens i swear to god i'll kill myself...
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